For most of my life I have operated at an extremely insane pace. And when life was calm, and peaceful I would sabotage it in order to get the needed adrenaline pumping. This was not a healthy way to live, but it was all I had. I made life very hard for my family, and for myself. I chased intense situations, feeling most at peace with the world, and comfortable, in the midst of the most extreme situations. When a bull would start to charge at me, hundreds of people gasping in fear, everything would go into slow motion, and I felt awesome, invincible and honestly, at peace. Same with fighting, bouncing, repo-ing cars, anything that was insane.
But as I got older, I started to have periods of something different. When I would shut down. When my usually extroverted self would want to crawl into a cave. Where I felt tired, felt like I couldn't do anything nor wanted to. What I learned later was: this is depression. Then even later I learned that I have a very mild form of bi-polar disorder called bi-polar 2
I am now on medication for this, but I developed a problem. The therapeutic dose for my medication causes me to have tremors. The doctor and I decided to lower the dose and see if the tremors went away... they did. But guess what came back?
So today I sit at work wanting nothing more than to go home, and sit alone playing a video game. I am tired, sore, and lonely though I have a wonderful family and friends. I feel tears constantly at the back of my eyes. I can't rejoice at good news and the bad news seems to stab me in the heart. I do not feel suicidal, nor do I feel hopeless. For me this is normally a short cycle, and I will most likely be myself by Sunday. But this is what depression is for me. And it sucks.
So why do I tell this? Because I think its healthy for us to acknowledge our difficulties, and especially our mental health issues. I think we need to take the stigma off of these things.
What I have learned is that this time also lets me be more empathic and caring towards people that suffer from depression on a much deeper level, and indeed all of those that have mental health issues. Please feel free to ask any questions, and know that I am fine, this is just part of my life.