Sunday, May 08, 2005

I thought I was fighting for God

One of the quotes from the movie The Kingdom of Heaven, that I was taken challenged by was given by a leader of the Christian forces who was leaving Jerusalem. He said, " at first I thought I was fighting for God, and then I realized I was fighting for land and riches, and I was ashamed"

I wonder how many of us feel the same way when we get honest. I feel often that I am fighting for God. I mean aren't we called to fight the good fight? My life has been dedicated to this fight, and having actually been a fighter, I throw myself at this bout with all of my intensity. But ultimately what is the war? I find most often the war I am meant to be fighting is against myself, but too often the war I am fighting is for myself.

I do not fight for money, or land, I fight for something more precious, my own pride, my self worth, my desire to win. And I generally don't concern myself too much with who I hurt on my way to the victory stand.

When I was younger, I felt like I was fighting for God as I practically destroyed my relationships with my brothers. I alienated my friends. As I got a bit older, and I thought more mature, I began to fight for God against his church. I think in some ways the emerging church has been guilty of this, but what reform movements aren't? But again, what I was really fighting for was my own need to be validated, to be loved and accepted by God, and to be respected by my peers.

How often do we think we are fighting for God, but find ourselves really fighting for something worthless and temporal. I am ashamed. Thankfully God can forgive, and lead us on.

I must fight myself, so that I may as Jesus taught, "love my enemies, and pray for those that abuse me"

fight the good fight :)

the rev

1 comment:

Martial Shadow said...

How often, on the quest to Integrate and Unify, do we segregate and dualize?